The difference between us

Things that inspire me today;

"Snow as a Girl" by Aron Wiesenfeld


"Love Life" by Antigirl





<3

el corazon

Every little soul must shine

According to Chinese astrology, Raina was born in the year of the metal rabbit:

"Metal gives Rabbits more strength, resilience and determination."

♪ Yes, my friend, I'm a tough little bunny.
Every little soul must shi-ii-ine.
Every little soul must shine. ♪

My heart hurts today. I don't feel at ease. I'm not seeing Raina today because I work this afternoon and Chad's been under the weather. Skipping today until tomorrow. Distracting myself with: American Horror Story, pizza, and articles about introversion.

I just feel guilty about not being able to be with Raina all of the time. But I know this is an unusual circumstance. Most people don't have to experience their newly begun parenthood in this manner. .. I've been daydreaming about Raina being back at home. Real smiles, and her first giggle, and tummy time.



I'll write about this, more in depth, in a future blog entry. But I'd like to mention - and this is major - Raina had her official VSD repair surgery on Friday, January 6th. The hole in her heart is patched up now. We still have yet to find out how much the surgery will help her. In most cases, the surgery heals the child completely. And there's really not supposed to be any further problems. I pray to the universe that this will be true for Raina. But it's only been two days after surgery, so we really don't know yet. So far, she's just been resting and recovering. They have her on sedatives and happy drugs.


Before her surgery, Raina's guard puppy said he'd protect her


Prettypretty girl, the day after her surgery

Have faithe, be merrie

I thought I should post a little re-cap of Christmas and New Year's Eve before it gets too terribly late to do so. (I don't want to be posting this in March, now do I? It already feels late as it is.)


On Christmas morning, I woke up uber-early and made two Christmas tree cakes on a (sort of) whim.

After my spontaneous baking spree and (mostly likely) about two cups of coffee, I woke up Chad and we went to go see Raina. I had a hunch that there would probably be some sort of gift for Raina, provided by the hospital or a charity of some kind. But I was shocked to walk in the room and see a huge bag and a stocking sitting on the chair. The nurse told us, "Santa came to visit Raina last night." I showed Raina all of her presents. A mobile, handmade blankets, rattles, clothes, toys. I thought the hospital would give her a little doll or something small for Christmas. I wasn't expecting so many gifts for her. It felt like Christmas for me too! Here is a photo that I took of Raina that day. We put a pretty bow on her head for the occasion. This is one of my most favourite pictures I've ever taken of Raina. She has the most gorgeous smile, her little proper pinkie finger is so cute, and she's just still so beautiful despite all of the circumstances.


Raina and her reindeer doll. (One of the small gifts that was in her stocking.)

Chad says I must like that photo of Raina because it's both creepy and cute. And that may be true. I think that Raina's scar gave Chad the willies at first. But I thought her scar was kind of cool! I've always loved scars and physical imperfections. (I guess it has something to do with my own scars, on my face. I was attacked by a dog when I was four years old.) Scars are this beautiful reminder of what you've been through and how you've gotten stronger from it.



Me & Chad on Christmas.

At night, Chad & I went to visit my brother and his family. We ate dinner & opened some gifts. I tried to stick the bows and ribbons from each gift in my hair. Most of the bows wouldn't stick. We also spent New Year's Eve at my brother's. We played Scattergories and drank vodka. (!!!) Did you know that Scattergories and vodka are two of my favourite things?! 'Tis true.


On New Year's Eve. (left) Me & Chad (right) Me & Dee

Oh. This is the only other picture I have to share. I got this lovely angel necklace from Chad's mom on Christmas. I love it because the necklace reminds me of my mom. She loved jewelry and collected angels. I keep wondering about my mom. And hoping that her spirit is hanging out with Raina at the hospital, when I can't be there.



So I think that about sums up my holidays. A few people have asked me what my resolutions are for 2012. I've never really been into resolutions. (Perhaps because I've always been bad at sticking to them.) And the only things I want for this year (which all coincidentally begin with H) are: for Raina to be healthy, happy, and at home!


P.S. This entry about Christmas just wouldn't be complete without Billy Corgan in a Santa hat. Okbyenow.

Poor little girl screaming traffic in her hair

I was going to write real blog entries. But I'm rather content with writing rambling journal entries. It's been a while since I've written like that. (Not even in my paper journal, either.) Getting the thoughts out of my head and into some form of vernacular is partly therapeutic, and partly insanity-inducing. (But isn't real therapy kind of like that, also?) I realised that analysing my thoughts often puts me in a state of melancholy, but it also seems like it's a necessary thing to do.

Our faces all resemble dying roses,
Stop trying to fix it.

Pondering: Misinterpreted song lyrics. Bits of poetry swirling in my head every now and again. Hidden meanings and double meanings and no meanings. The ghost of my mom. The idea of how - everything in life must be balanced (and how difficult that can be). Insecurity and anxiety (as always). Raina's pretty eyelashes. Heart scars, physical & emotional. Daydreaming about the future. It's all Raina Raina Raina in my head, mostly.


Pretty eyelash girl ♥


Rainy-baby is going to be tall & lanky like her daddy ;D

'Ello

This is my practise blog. I am just going to type stuff for the moment. Just to see what my layout looks like with words until I've got all the html & such prettied up. Then I will write real blog entries. Maybe. I don't know. My mind is often muddled. I want to re-cap everything that's going on with my daughter, but I don't really know when I'll have the proper time and emotional energy to do so. My Babygirl-darlingdear is still in the hospital. Bouncing back and forth between the 8th floor and the CICU. Things go good and she gets moved to the 8th floor in the hopes that she'll be able to go home soon. But then something goes wrong and she gets moved back to the 4th floor again (CICU).

I think I'm doing pretty well with staying positive. (I guess it's easier when I've got an entire audience on facebook reading everything I write. & I'm far too conscious about the face I show to the world. Pardon any unintentional puns, if there were any.) I think the nervous breakdown I had towards the end of 2010, after my mom died, was my way of strengthening up and preparing for everything that's going on now. I don't need to feel insane and/or break down emotionally. I've already been there and back.

On a related note, it's only recently that I've begun to realise that what was going on with me in November-ish of 2010 was a nervous breakdown. I really wasn't aware at the time, but looking back I know now. I have the scrawling, scribbled journal entries and the incoherent video diaries, from that time, to prove it.

I could typity-type all night. Or I could just end it here. Here sounds good.

Oh! Edited to add: Random pictures.


Raina and Señor Squeaky.


A boring picture of me.


A cupcake that I ate at the hospital one day.

Ok. That's good. Bye now. <3